I received this survey invitation from Planet Pulse.

A couple of years ago, I won a Cybershot Camera because I participated in a Honda contest. The camera was good. Honda was good. So I figured freebies from Honda just to participate in a survey was a good thing.

Wrong.

Well, actually, I don't know if the survey was good, but I DO KNOW that the company (Planet Pulse) that conducted this email survey has demonstrated they are champions at the art of pissing off customers.

Here's how Planet Pulse pissed me in the face.

The survey starts off politely by thanking you for giving them 15 minutes of your time. Actually, I think what they mean to say is "Thank you for giving us the opportunity to piss you off".

The first question itself is misleading.

Reading that, you'd immediately think of all your pals, uncles and aunties who work in the industries stated right? After all, you WANT to be as helpful AND cooperative as you possibly can in the survey, right?

So I checked 2 categories : Advertising and Healthcare (although I pretty much knew people who worked in every category).

Then it happened. They pissed me in the face.

Huh? I thought.

This can't be right. I then hit the back button and tried a different category. This time I made it to the next question. It seems that if you check certain categories, they tell you you are a pariah and they will spit you out of the survey.

"Go away. Quit. We don't want you're shitty participation".

No... I won't go away.

The next question. Select "male" or "female".

I selected "male" and made it through. Then I thought... hang on... let's try being a female instead. Hit the back button and selected "female". True enough :

Okay... they've just pissed off half of the world's population.

Oh what the heck. Let's go on to the next question :

Decided to be honest. After all, my grey hair is a dead giveaway.
WT Fish!!!! Rejected Again???!

Oh what the heck. I'm a sucker for punishment. Let's see if they piss me off again. I back-tracked and lied. I took a couple years of my age and Voila! their survey is too dumb like them to know that I'm lying! Lying my way through that question then brings me to the next...

I answered honestly "I can't recall".

So since I said "I can't recall", they told me to go piss off again.

Now... I tell you...

Sure, you hope that you might at least win a freebie by participating in the survey, but heck you ARE giving them your time you know. Planet Pus (oops sorry... pun VERY intended) must either have morons OR insensitive jerks OR BOTH employed in their research and promotions dept.

Hey Planet PUS. You DON'T tell people to PISS OFF in the middle of a survey. That's like asking people to come into your restaurant and half-way through their meal, telling them to get the hell out because they said "salt" when you wanted to hear "pepper".

Okay... so I don't fit the demographic that you're targetting, but the least you can do is LET ME finish the survey and PRETEND that I'm in the running for a freebie.

Okay maybe you jerk heads don't know how to conduct a survey. Here's a couple of tips :

- If you really don't want folks who are not in your targetted demographics to participate, then for pete's sake STATE the pre-conditions for the survey BEFORE you get people all pumped up. That way, if I read that you're NOT looking for hunky dudes over 40, I'll just skip the whole damn survey.

- A survey is a golden opportunity to gather data. So what if I'm not in your demographics target this time round? Why not collect my data anyway and store it in your stupid database? You never know when you're going to have a client who WANTS to target hunky 40-somethings in the future. What you gonna do then - piss off ALL the under 40 non-hunky idiots who are stupid enough to participate in your idiotic survey?

- Okay, so let's say I answer question #2 and immediately you know I'm not in your targetted demographics. Why not set up a series of questions that probe what my interests are for future use? Come to think of it, why not ask me the damn questions anyway, but just file my participation as "N/A"? I don't have to know. You don't have tell me what you do with my survey. Why do you have to piss me off half way?

Can you imagine how many people would have taken the survey and after 14 minutes and reaching the last question, that stupid "reject" screen pops up telling you to go fly kites? Wouldn't that be piss off your participants?

Planet Pulse, you truly are from the Planet Pus!

[there... rant complete... adrenaline rush achieved]